March 3, 2014

Anthropologie for Less: A New Ongoing Feature

Nearly every woman I know makes the same sigh every time I mention the store Anthropolgie. In a single breath we all seem to say, “I want to be wearing one of their dresses while sitting on one of their settees while eating a fancy cupcake on one of their adorable dishes RIGHT NOW.” The reason we all sigh instead of squeal with pleasure is because none of my friends are heiresses. That means that all any of us actually own from Anthropologie is some candles and a shirt from the clearance rack. The sigh expresses, “Oh, that store is so pretty and I want everything in it,” and then you remember your budget dictates you shop at Old Navy and IKEA.

Do you think if I was really quiet and cleaned up after myself, if they'd let me live in there?

Do you think if I was really quiet and cleaned up after myself, they’d let me live in there?

They say necessity is the mother of invention, but I say Anthropologie lust combined with cheapness is a pretty good motivator, too. Over the past few years, I’ve become more skilled at ferreting out the Anthropologie look at other, less expensive retailers. Sometimes I’ve been able to achieve an Anthropologie copy via a DIY project. Some of what makes Anthro so appealing is their homage to all things vintage, so occasionally the answer to getting what you want for less is just buying straight up vintage instead of Anthro’s high dollar vintage-esque. However, every so often there’s no copy, no way to make what they have for cheap, and you just have to save your pennies and buy the real deal. This new blog feature will help to you to figure out when to deploy each strategy, depending on which Anthropolgie product you’ve fallen in love with.

First up, to show you what I mean, I’ll demonstrate with something small and one of the first things that caught my eye at Anthro—their adorable measuring cups and spoons. The patterns change, but they always have something like this. Here’s some of their current offerings:

The measuring cups range in price from $24 to $38 and the measuring spoons are $14 to $28. Now, these are one of the few things in Anthropologie a plebeian like myself can actually afford, so why not just buy them?

For one thing, I happen to know that you can get a plastic measuring spoon or cup set at Walmart in a variety of colors in their dollar bins. These are much prettier, but my brain has a really hard time purchasing something I know is WAY overpriced.

Secondly, I am an avid baker/cook who would actually use these measuring tools a lot, so I need them to be functional, too. Here’s where I run into my second problem. All of their measuring cup sets include a 1 cup, ½ cup, 1/3 cup, and ¼ cup. There’s no ¾ cup and no 2/3 cup. Yes, I can make those measurements happen with the cups provided and math, but it still annoys me. The other beef I have with their sets is they aren’t actually accurate. They are likely close enough for most baking, but it irks me to pay over $30 for a measuring set and for it not to do the job it purports to do.

These irritations, both financial and practical, sent me on a hunt to see if anyone else made cute measuring cups and spoons and maybe fixed the problems I had with the Anthro sets.

So, a ton of people make these things now. It must be a real money maker for Anthro, because there are plenty of copy cats. Pier 1 has a large selection, although some of them are only available online. They have some that are pretty and more traditionally like Anthro, but also have some darn cute ones, including a set of hedgehog ones that made me make the “Aww,” sound out loud. They’re cheaper, the cups costing between $9.95 to $19.95 and the spoons in the same range. That’s still a little steep, but you don’t quite feel like they stole from you AND slapped you. However, the problem still remains that there are only four cups per set, and they are the same ceramic with a fill line painted somewhere, so don’t hold your breath for accuracy.

Pier 1 Offerings:

World Market wins on price. Their spoon sets cost $3.99 to $12.99, and the $12.99 set is metal, and dare I hope, accurate. Their cups sets are only $12.99 and the reviews complain about the accuracy (as do Anthro reviews), but they do offer 2 extra sizes. The down side is they’re useless sizes (a tablespoon and the-oh-so-specific “pinch”).

World Market:

Modcloth.com, an online only retailer of many, many super cute things, has a couple cup sets, one at $14.99 and the other at the Anthro price of 34.99. The spoons are a little steep, too, at $17.99 to $24.99, although they do have one plastic set at $6.99. Two of the spoon sets are made of wood, which while might it make them more accurate, it also means they are “hand wash recommend.” Boo. However, their Matryoshka measuring cup set was my clear winner. Not only was it plastic (easy wash, less breakable, & more accurate), it included the elusive 2/3 and ¾ cups! Plus, I happen to find it super cute. I also found that Target.com sold a matching set of spoons for $6.99. Now why one retailer didn’t sell both the cups and spoons, I can’t tell you.

Modcloth:

Ah, but wait! Further research revealed you can buy both the Matryoshka cups and spoons at Amazon.com, and the cups are $4 cheaper and available in red there. Amazon has a large selection of cute measuring cups and spoons, most easily found by searching for “ceramic measuring cups” or “ceramic measuring spoons” in Home and Kitchen. Because there are so many, the prices vary, too, some cups as little as $10 and others into the $40s. The same goes for the spoons.

Amazon:

A couple less traditional places you can try are Ebay.com and Etsy.com. On Ebay you can very, very rarely find Anthro measuring sets for less than you pay in the store. Most of Ebay’s listings are Anthro sets that have been discontinued and are going for as much as twice the original price. However, a search for those same terms I listed for Amazon will yield a lot of interesting prospects starting as little as 99 cents. The same terms on Etsy.com will bring up a variety of very nice hand painted sets, although they usually cost MORE than Anthro.

Are you exhausted yet? I realize most people do not do this kind of price comparison and extensive researching into buying measuring cups and spoons. I’m weird. This is partly to show the lengths I go to even with small Anthropologie purchases and to demonstrate my strategy. As I continue in this series, we’ll be looking at some bigger ticket items, and I’m also happy to take requests if there’s an item you’ve been trying to find a cheaper alternative for. I’ll do my best.

February 24, 2014

Awards Season for Us Common Folk: TV

Even more so than my post on Movie Awards, you’ll find my awards have categories the Emmys don’t ever grant. Like the Academy Awards, the Emmys aren’t really interested in giving awards to crowd pleasers or cult favorites. Most of the awards go to a handful of cable dramas with the sort of ratings any network would consider abysmal. I’m not saying that these shows aren’t good. Some of them are excellent, but there’s a lot more TV out there that deserves to be recognized.

Before I begin, I should note that while I watch way more TV than is probably healthy, I have not watched the following shows: Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Orange is the New Black, The Walking Dead, Homeland, The Good Wife, Girls, Veep. I’m still in the first season of Game of Thrones. I can’t nominate what I haven’t seen, so no need to fill the comments section with impassioned arguments for why Breaking Bad is the best show ever made.

Best Comedy: We watch a lot of comedy in our house, so this is a category with stiff competition. I thought there would be even more with what looked like a lot of good new comedies coming in last fall. Unfortunately, most of them turned out to be duds.

Parks & Recreation: Ron Swanson is THE BEST. This show wasn’t great in its first season and a half, but it’s been on fire since late in season two. If you never gave it a second chance, you owe it to yourself to give it another look.
The Mindy Project: This is another one that I didn’t find that funny at the beginning. It found its footing about halfway through last season, and ever since has been wonderfully clever and hysterical. I’ve been surprised how resistant people have been to give this show a second chance. It is the most consistently funny show I watch now.
Modern Family: Still a classic, although I don’t feel it’s been quite as good as normal. It’s hard to sustain that level of amazing.
The Big Bang Theory: Much like with Modern Family, I don’t feel like Big Bang is doing anything cutting edge, but they do it really well.
Brooklyn-Nine-Nine: The only newbie of the bunch, and I’m as shocked as you are that it’s here. I didn’t have high expectations for this, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised. By the same people who do Parks & Rec, and they are doing miles better in their first season. This ensemble cast is already good.

Winner: The Mindy Project. Not only is it laugh until you cry funny, but Mindy is smart and original.

Best Drama: Other than Downton, all the other contenders were new shows in 2013—impressive. Also of note, none of them are made by one of the major American networks. I guess there might be something to the idea that more episodes can water down plot. The most episodes any of these nominees had was 13.

House of Cards: This Netflix political drama will probably make you more cynical about life, and certainly it isn’t one you should watch with kids, but it is very good. Even rarer, I didn’t see where it was going.
The Americans: I was late to the party on this FX show about KGB spies living in the US in the 80s. Now I can’t wait for season two to start next week. If you want to catch up, Amazon Prime has last season. It’s a fascinating piece of history, and one of the few dramas both my husband and I both like.
Broadchurch: Fox is remaking this BBC America drama about a small town solving the murder of a 13-year-old boy. Do yourself a favor and watch the original. I can’t imagine Fox will be able to match what I saw unfold on my screen. I’ve never seen such a raw picture of grief. It’s not easy to watch, and I certainly wouldn’t fault anyone for not wanting to try it, but it is amazing television.
Downton Abbey: Another one that was hard to watch last season, but it was good TV. How else could the death of a character depress you for weeks?
Orphan Black: Tatiana Maslany should have won all the Emmys for her performance as a handful of clones in this twisty BBC America show. I love a show where I frequently scream, “What!” at the screen.

Winner: House of Cards. Always the bridesmaid but never the bride, House of Cards was nominated again and again but never won anything. It takes the cake for me, though.

Best Soap: Writing a soap well isn’t as easy as throwing in a love triangle and hoping for the best. I love me a good soap, but this year has been disappointing. Like the new crop of comedies, the pilots in this category were largely disappointing and old favorites have fallen off the rails—I’m looking at you, Revenge.

Scandal: I have usually bypassed Shonda Rhimes shows, but this one has me hooked. I’d probably watch just for Kerry Washington’s wardrobe, but the insane high speed plotting is also fun.
Reign: This show is historically ridiculous, but I don’t care. It’s another one I’d probably watch just for the scenery and wardrobe, but they also manage to make Scandal’s plotting look slow.
Hart of Dixie: HofD is the most lighthearted of all the shows I’d classify as a soap, and the most amusing. That’s not an easy tone to take, and I feel they are still doing it well. I do miss Lemon’s scheming, though. Surely Jaime King’s maternity leave is almost up?

Winner: Reign. Going into last fall, I would have sworn nothing could unseat Scandal, but Reign has done it. They both record on Thursday, but I always watch Reign first.

Best Sci-Fi/Fantasy: This has become a surprisingly crowded field of contenders. J.J. Abrams and his Lost cohorts seem to be putting out a couple pilots a year now, and the CW has almost become Syfy II.

Arrow: I have to keep reminding myself that Arrow is only in its second season. It had one of the most impressive first seasons I’ve ever seen, which put it on solid footing for this year. Laurel’s still a hot mess, but otherwise the show is leading with its great characters.
Revolution: As a Supernatural fan, I told my friends watching this show that creator Eric Kripke is a believer in the long game. Give him some time, and you’ll end up really loving the characters and be amazed where he’ll take you. I don’t know if anyone but me is still watching this show, but it has been so good this year. Not only is Charlie far less annoying, but Monroe is amazing, and the storylines have been more interesting now that no one really cares about the lights.
Supernatural: When Kripke left the show after its fifth season, I won’t lie; it got pretty bad. I watched seasons six and seven, but they were painful at times. Last year Jeremy Carver (one of Kripke’s original team) returned as show runner and thankfully corrected the sinking ship. 2013 was one of the best years Supernatural has had with the Men of Letters and Falling Angels storylines.
The Originals: Normally I’d have The Vampire Diaries as a nominee here, but TVD just hasn’t been as good since they lost their best villains—the Originals. I’ve been able to be patient as TVD fixes its quality issues, though, because The Originals spin-off is fantastic. Remember season 3 TVD when you had to know what happened next? That’s what The Originals is like now.
Orphan Black: I’ve already mentioned the premise of this sci-fi masterpiece under the drama category. This is the only one in this category that I thought was good enough to go head to head with the other drama nominees. It’s not just good genre TV, it’s just plain good.

Winner: Orphan Black. This is my favorite category, and the one I watch the most shows in, so you’d think it would be the toughest to decide. Not so. Orphan Black blew the competition away.

Best Procedural: I wanted to make this its own category because these never win anything, but they always top the most watched shows lists. Also, there is an art to writing these well. I have watched and abandoned many over the years (NCIS, Bones, Blue Bloods, The Mentalist, Hawaii 5-0), so I know there’s a delicate balance of just the right amount of case of the week versus overarching storylines to develop your characters.

Elementary: As an avid Sherlock fan, I was skeptical of this show, and not just because CBS is the king of taking a great concept and then eventually killing it with boredom. However, I have loved how Johnny Lee Miller has explored Sherlock’s vulnerability, and the cases continue to be intriguing as well.
The Blacklist: The cases can border on creepy at times, and I think they need to focus a bit more on their over arching storylines, but James Spader is so brilliant that I’ll forgive them a few fumbles.

Winner: Elementary. Blacklist is still finding it’s footing, while Elementary is a solid performer week in and week out.

February 3, 2014

Awards Season for Us Common Folk

It’s that time of year again. Every other week you see new pictures of a celebrity hugging a statuette thanking their “team.” If you’re like me, you probably don’t care about their speeches, but you do want to see what they’re wearing, and there’s only a 10% chance you’ve seen the movies they won for. I faithfully watch the Academy Awards every year (yes, even last year when Seth McFarlane hosted), although sometimes I wonder why. I don’t care about cinematography, documentaries, short films, or whoever they’re giving the honorary Oscar to, and on average I’ve usually only seen about two of the best picture nominees. I think most of the time the prize goes to films Hollywood thinks are good for us, whether or not we actually like them.

So, I’ve decided to do a series of awards here, with categories I think would be interesting to a broader range of people, and nominate movies, TV shows, and books I think were flat out entertaining. I don’t care if they were high art. Sometimes the nominees were very well done, but other times they were just plain fun. Granted, it’s limited to what I watched or read in 2013, but I do consume a lot of media.

First up—Movies! I like what the Golden Globes does separating comedies and dramas, so I’ll follow their lead. However, I’m going to nominate real comedies, not dramas with a few funny lines. I nominate as many films as I think deserved it in each category.

Best Drama:

Mud: Had to catch this one on DVD as it wasn’t widely released, but it was worth it. The kids in this film are incredible and make way better decisions than any of the adults.
Gravity: I’m cheap, but I shelled out the cash to see this in 3D IMAX and it was worth every penny.
American Hustle: Another great film by David O. Russell, but I don’t agree with some that say it was better than Silver Linings Playbook. Best supporting acting award should go to Amy Adams’ double stick tape.
Saving Mr. Banks: Did I know they were playing my heartstrings as they were doing it? Absolutely. Did I love this movie and cry anyway? Of course.

Winner: Gravity. Not only was this movie visually stunning and suspenseful, but it also packed an emotional punch. It was the whole package.

Best Comedy: A special award should go to Steve Carell, who starred in three of my five nominees.

The Heat: Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock together was enough to have me gasping for air in this cop buddy comedy.
Anchorman 2: There was so much stuffed into this sequel, I think I need to see it again to catch all of the jokes. Those Dodge Durango commercials were a nice bonus, too.
Despicable Me 2: I suppose the kids find the minions funny, but really all of the jokes are for the adults.
The Way, Way Back: This is more of a dramedy, so I wasn’t sure which category to put it in, but I laughed so much and they had so many great comedic actors in it, I put it here. Another one that wasn’t widely released, but well worth the DVD rental. Sam Rockwell shines in one of his few non-villain roles.
Much Ado About Nothing: Shakespeare in this category? Joss Whedon’s black and white update was so funny I actually rewound parts of the DVD so I could watch them again.

Winner: The Way, Way Back. Normally I’d give this to the movie that packed the most laughs per minute of run time, because I really admire that. If I got to a comedy, I want to laugh, not be mildly amused. However, I did laugh a good amount and this was just one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time. The Academy was nuts not nominating it for best picture. Comedy snobs.

Best Action Flick: I made this a category because other than for sound or sound mixing, these never get nominated for anything, and they bring me some of the most joy all year.

Iron Man 3: The franchise bravely decided to tell a new story instead of repeating the same formula and for the first time showed a vulnerable Tony Stark.
Star Trek Into Darkness: Even better than the first outing, with scenes that made you bust a gut one minute and gasp at the alien worlds the next. Benedict Cumberbatch was outstanding as Khan.
Now You See Me: Not very many people I know saw this one, but I really enjoyed it. We ended up seeing it both in theaters and then renting it again to urge friends to see it. It had a great cast led by Jesse Eisenberg.
Man of Steel: Audiences and critics seem to be split on the Superman reboot, but I loved it. They didn’t tread the same ground as before (growing up in Kansas, the Daily Planet), but instead focused on his alien roots and his isolation as an adult. Also, Amy Adams played the first Lois Lane I’ve ever liked.
World War Z: I didn’t have high expectations for this since it had a lot of trouble in production. In the end, they pulled it off. It was crazy suspenseful and highly entertaining.

Winner: This was really difficult to call, but I think I’m going to have to go with Star Trek Into Darkness over Iron Man 3. Robert Downey, Jr. is always amazing, but Star Trek was an ensemble effort, so I’m going to give it to them.

Best Costumes/Production Design: I’m a girl, so I will watch a movie sometimes just because it looks pretty. Granted, that usually means a rental, but I feel like these were worth the $1.20 at Redbox to ooh and ahh at the spectacle.

The Great Gatsby: The story is a real downer, but boy is this movie gorgeous. The gowns, flowers, houses, cars, jewelry—everything is over the top amazing.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: I haven’t actually seen this one yet (waiting for the rental), but I have seen the pictures. I’m not a big fan of kid on kid killing, but I do love those crazy costumes.

Winner: The Great Gatsby. I know I haven’t seen Hunger Games, but I don’t see how it’s going to top the eye candy of Gatsby.

Movie I Was Pleasantly Surpised By:

Warm Bodies: My husband really wanted to see this young adult zombie movie, and I have to say, it was heartfelt and funny.
Searching for Sonny: An indie that actually came out in 2011, but it’s a safe bet you’ve never heard of it. It stars alums from Veronica Mars, Friday Night Lights, and Heroes, which is why our group was interested in giving it a try. Because it didn’t have a big budget, they actually had to focus on an interesting story. What a novel idea!
Now You See Me, Much Ado About Nothing, Mud, World War Z, and The Way, Way Back could probably all also be contenders in this category, but as I have already put them in other categories, I won’t put them in contention again.

Winner: Warm Bodies. The message of this film might have been a bit corny, but I still appreciated it.

Movie That Didn’t Live Up to the Hype: So clearly this is more of a Razzie than an award, but I wanted you to be fairly warned about a few films I wish I hadn’t watched this year.

The Internship: Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson together again for the first time since Wedding Crashers should have been epic. It wasn’t awful, but it just wasn’t funny, either.
This Is the End: We were hesitant to go see this. Rogen, Franco, Hill, and company can be hilarious, but sometimes they just descend into middle school crassness that isn’t even funny. The critics loved it, so we rented it. It was funny for twenty minutes, and then it just got horrible.
The Lone Ranger: This looked so good, and I like both Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer. I really, really gave it the old college try. The story just wasn’t interesting, and it was way too long.
R.I.P.D.: I could kind of tell from the previews this wasn’t going to be great, but the husband really wanted to see it, so we rented it. It was Men in Black if MIB wasn’t funny and you didn’t care about either of the main characters. They took an interesting premise and Ryan Reynolds and still managed to bore me.
Pacific Rim: This was another one that had a lot of potential. I liked a lot of the ideas in this movie, but the execution of them made me simultaneously roll my eyes and put me to sleep. The large scale destruction of EVERYTHING went beyond comical and into sickening.

Winner, er Loser? This Is the End. All of these movies were pretty meh, but I wanted the hours of my life back with this one, and a full refund of my $1.20.

Up Next: TV Awards

January 27, 2014

Wall Art for Cheap

I can only conclude from the raging success of my blog post on how I tufted my sofa that my readers might like more posts on cheapskate DIY home decor. Not to worry, my cheapness knows no bounds.

I would love to have signed originals of pieces that emotionally move me on every wall of our house. Unfortunately, I am no relation to the Chases of the Chase banking and credit card fortune. Like most people, sometimes I have a blank wall staring at me that I have to fill and I don’t have a lot of cash to fill it.

My husband is always willing to offer his Big Lebowski poster that I’ve never let him hang anywhere but a closet. He also has lots of ideas about murals involving lions. In an effort to not have to accept his “helpful” offers, over the years I have found ways to get art on the walls for cheap.

One of my favorite local art shows. There were many, many things I wanted to buy including lots of reasonably priced prints.

Attend local art festivals. Think all art is out of your price range? Think again. I actually have several signed prints and a few originals hanging in my house. Are they by artists that are nationally recognized? Nope. Do they emotionally move me? You betcha. Do I love them years after I bought them? Absolutely. I’ve purchased a number of photographs, prints, and paintings for the whopping sums of $10, $15, and occasionally $30. I do have one large piece over a couch that I paid $75 for. I also like being able to picture the artist’s face and the conversation we had when I look at it on my wall.

Try to buy standard frame sizes, though, or that’s where this stops being cheap. I bought $15 8×10 prints and then took my 40% off coupon to Michaels, got frames for another $10-15, and came out fine. However, that $75 piece was an odd size, so I had to have it custom framed. That cost me an additional $150—twice the price of the piece itself. If you fall in love with an odd shaped piece that isn’t too far off from a normal size, not all is lost. Take it to the custom framing people and ask them to cut you a mat that will surround the print but then once matted will bring the piece up to a normal size. I had a watercolor that I adored but it was in metric, so was something weird like 7 ¾ inches by 9 inches. To have it matted and framed to metric was very expensive, but to have it just matted in such a way that I could then buy a standard 11×14 frame with my coupon was only $18.

If you love art from someone that is out of your price range, think small. While I was traveling in Connecticut, I stumbled across a wooden ships festival at Mystic Harbor. I think ships, especially wooden ships, are just beautiful. I was already in heaven, but then one of the people at the festival was an artist who painted amazing acrylic pieces of wooden ships. I couldn’t even afford her prints, much less her originals. However, I noticed she also sold greeting cards. They were a more affordable $5 a piece, so I bought some of them instead.

They had a nice white border all around the edge almost like a mat. I could have just framed them in a standard 5×7 frame, but I really liked them. I wanted them to be bigger somehow and make a statement. After a bit of brainstorming, I cut the back half of the card off so it was just one sheet. Then I bought some navy foam poster board from Michael’s. They sell it in 20×30 sheets, and I just cut a sheet in half with a utility knife and glued the card about a third of the way down. Some masking tape on the back affixed it to my living room wall with no frames needed. I put all of them in a row in on the wall, and it made a very nice display. All told, it cost me about $25.

I’ve used this foam board trick before with a series of flower photographs that I took at Duke Gardens and had printed with a white border at Wolf Camera.

Take a multi-media approach. Just because something isn’t a painting or a print doesn’t mean you can’t hang it on the wall. We have a cousin who’s a textile artist, and she made us some pillow shams as wedding presents that were downright masterpieces. As soon as I saw them I knew that hiding them in our bedroom on pillows would never do. I adapted one so it could be displayed on a decorative hanger.

I’ve done the same with a tablecloth I really liked. Eventually I tired of it on the wall, so I took it down and started using it for its intended purpose on the table. I had numerous friends that were shocked. “I never realized this was a tablecloth!” They were afraid to eat on it, thinking it was high textile art. No, I assured them. It was just a tablecloth I bought for around $25 that I liked well enough to hang on a wall.

These are plates I actually did myself with mixed metal leaf and some glass paint, but I display my TJ Maxx plates the same way.

I’m a bit of a china freak, so I’m forever putting pretty plates on walls. Again, if you put something on a wall, people immediately assign a higher value to it. People sometimes wonder about the significance of the plates. I have some that are art pieces I’ve painted myself, but half of my plates I got at Ross or TJ Maxx and just thought they were fun. Plate hangers can also be found at your favorite craft store, and depending on the size, can start as low as a couple bucks a piece.

Don’t be afraid to deface a book, throw some paint on it, or get aggressive with a frame. I’m a map geek. Even as a kid, I wanted that wallpaper in my room that was all maps. My mother rightfully observed I didn’t want a bedroom; I was trying to create a study. I never actually accomplished it, which is maybe why I’m still trying to always sneak maps into my décor. I bought a really old Rand McNally world atlas off of eBay with the express purpose of ripping it apart. I got it for around $11 including shipping. It was even more gorgeous in person, and pretty fragile. I showed my prize to a friend, and he asked what I was planning on doing with it. I told him. I thought he was going to cry. I could have carefully wrapped it up and hidden it on a shelf, but it has brought me a lot more joy with pages torn out and framed on my wall.

My husband and I like to travel, and the three countries we have enjoyed the most have been Australia, New Zealand, and Spain. I framed these three country maps and paired them with three postcards. I found the postcards in a postcard book (the horrors, two books!) that was full of recreations of British Empire propaganda posters. I found picturesque posters for Australia, New Zealand, and Gibraltar. These were great art and reminded me of things we had seen overseas. The postcard book, I think, was another $12.

Finally, when it came to the frames, I had to improvise again. The maps were a standard 11 x 14 thankfully, but I couldn’t find a frame I liked. I finally realized I wanted to use the frames from some old unused photographs, but the frames were the wrong color. That was an easy fix. I still had some teal paint from painting some of the furniture in our bedroom, so I slapped some of it on top of my old frames and they were good to go. I’ve done this before when I’ve found a great old frame from a thrift store or antique shop that was cheap but not the right color.

A coat of teal paint and these rustic frames where exactly what I wanted.

The postcards were small, though, and needed a 5×7 frame. Those were easy to find cheap at Ross. However, finding a 5×7 frame that hangs on a wall instead of with an easel back is impossible. Instead of driving myself crazy trying to find something that doesn’t exist, I got a pair of pliers from the garage and just ripped the easel back off of the frames from Ross. Now they would lie flat against the wall. I put a piece of tape over the rough edge to make sure it didn’t scratch the wall and nailed a new wall hanger on the back. You can buy little kits with those from Michaels or AC Moore. In this case, I didn’t even have to buy one because we had one free from a friend who moved and didn’t want it anymore.

Don't be afraid to adapt the frame to your needs. Your the only one that will ever see the ugly back.

Don’t be afraid to adapt the frame to your needs. You’re the only one that will ever see the ugly back.

January 13, 2014

What Do I Feed My Gluten Free Guest?

At two different points in my life doctors suspected I might have celiac disease, the auto-immune disease that means you can’t eat bread. It turns out I had Crohn’s, a different auto-immune disease. Crohn’s is also not a laughing matter, but basically all I wanted clarified at first was, “Yeah, but I can eat bread with this one, right? I can eat bread, RIGHT?!” Such is my love for bread.

Because of this, I have the deepest sympathy for those who do have celiac or are gluten intolerant. However, as a hostess, I know the challenge of having a group of people over for dinner and then finding out one of them is gluten free. I don’t want to end up making two different meals and bringing attention to the gluten free guest, who probably gets really tired of feeling like food defines him/her.

Lately, I’ve been trying to find start-to-finish menus that everyone can eat, but won’t have the gluten-eaters wrinkling up their noses. I understand that, too. I’ve eaten a lot of gluten free baked goods that only politeness kept me from spitting right back out.

Making a meal that all the guests can eat serves two purposes. First, you don’t have to cook twice. Also, it means there’s less risk some stray gluten will make its way to your GF guest’s food and make them sick through cross contamination.

So do I have to buy a bunch of specialty stuff that will just rot in my pantry after that?

Nope. Instead of trying to make spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread gluten free, subbing in all kinds of flours and pastas you don’t necessarily know anything about, just focus on serving naturally gluten free foods.

Most people have mild panic just trying to figure out what to feed their family on a weekly basis without restrictions. Admittedly, when I first started trying to cook for gluten free folks, my brain would freeze up and all I could think of was bread-laden dishes. To help you with the brain freeze, here’s some suggestions.

Main Dishes

Grilled and roasted meat is easy and gluten free, like this pork roast.

Anything that’s mainly just meat will work. Think like a good Midwesterner here. Grilled steak, chicken, pork chops, ribs, shrimp on the barbie, etc. are all fine. Just make sure if you’re using a store-bought marinade that the manufacture didn’t sneak some gluten in. A good roast (beef, pork, or whole chicken) also will work. Pork tenderloin can be made up in countless delicious ways. I have a pan seared salmon recipe with a tomato relish that’s fantastic with no gluten anywhere. In fact, most of my seafood recipes don’t have any bread aside from my crab cakes. Unless your chili recipe has some odd stuff in it, it’s probably gluten free, too.

Double check your sauces, but a lot of Asian food is gluten free. Try this Beef & Broccoli.

Also think international food. Most other cultures aren’t quite as bread obsessed as ours. Make a stir fry or curry and serve it over rice. You can make most any Mexican food (tacos, quesadillas, enchiladas); just make sure you use corn tortillas or hard corn shells instead of flour tortillas. Read your labels, though. For some reason, manufactures will sometimes slip regular flour into corn based products. Not all tortilla chips are gluten free.

Sides

In addition to starches and veggies, don’t forget our friends legumes. Try this Indian spiced lentil dish.

I often revert back to my Midwestern roots again here. Most of my dinners growing up involved a good hunk of meat, a starch, and a green veggie of some sort. If you’ve gone the grilled or roasted meat route for your main dish, this isn’t a bad example to follow. For a starch, here are some basics open to you: baked potato, baked sweet potato, some sort of oven fries (check the package if you’re buying a bag from the freezer section, though), a rice dish, quinoa, potato salad, chips, and mashed potatoes (again, if you’re doing instant or buying a gravy look at your labels, though). Don’t serve couscous, though. Couscous is wheat.

If you’re ever worried a salad topping or dressing isn’t GF, just serve it on the side.

All vegetables start out gluten free, it’s just turning them into casseroles or adding cheesy breadcrumbs or something when you have a problem. It also makes them pretty unhealthy. Keep your veggie prep simple and read the labels of anything you add to them, and you should be fine. Be mindful of salad dressings, which often are hiding gluten. Also, if you are planning on serving a salad with croutons, chow mein noodles, etc. keep them in a bowl on the side so they don’t contaminate the whole salad.

Dessert

This is where things can get heated. You bring out a gluten free dessert and the gluten eaters will start giving you the stink eye. Previously, I’ve made a “real” dessert, and then tried to have a little something for my gluten free person, but I’ll be honest, the GF offering was sad. You can give your GF guest the nicest bowl of fruit ever, but if everyone else is eating triple chocolate brownies, that’s just mean.

The easiest thing, again, is to opt for the naturally gluten free option. Most ice cream, sorbet, and gelato flavors are gluten free. Occasionally if the ice cream has chunks of pie crust or cookies or something it’s not gluten free, but most of them are. I dare a group of gluten eaters to give you the stink eye when you offer them the fixin’s to make ice cream sundaes for dessert.

There are some good GF baked goods out there. If I don’t think they taste good enough, I won’t ever post them.

If you really want to offer a baked good, I’ve done a little bit of experimenting with some GF recipes, and I can guarantee you that these two cookie recipes are good. I’ve had both more than once because I liked them well enough that I made them just because I wanted some, not because I had a GF person to feed. Best of all, neither of them require buying any specialty flours.

Suggested Menus

All links are to my recipe blog.

Casual Cookout: Grilled chicken & Johnsonville brats (GF), potato salad, caprese salad, watermelon, corn on the cob, ice cream sundaes

Easy Weekday Dinner: Hard shell taco bar with ground beef seasoned with McCormick’s taco seasoning (GF), shredded cheddar, tomatoes, lettuce, sour cream, salsa, refried beans (most brands are GF) & guacamole. Peanut butter cookies for dessert.

Nice Dinner Party I: Roasted Pork with Plum Sauce, Creamy Mashed Potatoes, Green Bean & Arugula Salad, Chocolate Brownie Cookies

Nice Dinner Party II: Honey Glazed Salmon with Spicy Tomato Relish, baked sweet potatoes with butter, cinnamon & brown sugar, California Citrus Salad, Chocolate Brownie Cookies

Feedback

Still have questions? Put them in the comments section, or use my contact me form. Have another hard to feed guest? Ask, and I’ll see if I can help.

Gluten-free readers, do you have anything to add?

January 6, 2014

So Are You Still Writing or What?

If you are an older follower of the blog, or perhaps have just read its tagline, “A New Author Navigates the World of Publishing,” you might be a little confused. When I started this blog I mostly wrote about the craft of writing, and some tips about the publishing market. For the last several months I’ve had posts on fall pilots, cooking, how to button tuft a couch, exercise, etc. Occasionally, this has led to someone asking me, “Hey, what’s the deal?”

In case you didn’t read the articles and statistics that lead up to the switch (according to my blog stats, few of you did), I realized that no one but other aspiring authors care about dialogue and how to write a convincing antagonist. So, I started writing blog posts about other things that interested me: food, home décor, TV, and whatever else I thought others might find informative. Turns out, you guys seem to find these topics more interesting as well.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I’ve abandoned writing my trilogy. Around last July, I wrote about the book that ruined my life. It was one of many books on writing that I read last summer that made me realize that I needed to step up my game. I had written the first drafts of all three novels by that point and was feeling pretty good. It was an accomplishment, but I began to realize that the amount of work required to write a really good book instead of a decent book was vastly different. If I wanted to write novels I was proud of, then I needed to almost start from scratch.

That’s a hard decision to make when you’ve already spent a year writing 300,000 words. Still, after a short pity party I got about the business of writing a better book. Surprisingly, I have found I really enjoy even the nitty gritty background work of research, outlining, and character development. So, here’s a peek into what I’ve been doing.

I set up an office upstairs with a door and everything so I can work without letting myself get distracted.

I’ve got a desk for editing, but I do my writing in that recliner with my laptop. I’ve found it’s a lot harder to get back and shoulder pain in a recliner. Stooping over a desk is for the birds.

The art on the walls is large pieces of paper and post-its I’m using to plot out various events and character arcs. I also use them as brainstorming boards. No use straining your eyes for spoilers. I purposely took the pictures far away and then compressed them.

This one is the board right over my desk, so functions as the brainstorming board for whatever current story problem I’m chewing on. Right now, that’s making my villain a lot more robust. I took this picture a couple weeks ago, so my board’s so full now I might have to spill out onto the adjoining wall.

Here’s a chapter-by-chapter layout for the first book, where the different colored post-its represent different character’s points of view. Extra points for the nerds that noticed the Napoleon Dynamite Liger notes and the Doctor Who TARDIS notes.

Another board for book two, where I was trying to decide what events to keep from an outline of the first draft I wrote. The outline is the typewritten pages at the top, and the post-its at the bottom are what I eventually decided to use. To help you get a perspective of how much I’m changing, the occasional green highlights you see in the outline were the only “must keep” events I had.

Character profiles were another project that kept me busy for a few months. That binder is as thick as printouts of my novel manuscripts. Every character in my trilogy got a full work up. I can tell you everything from what they smell like to the layout of their apartment. Yes, those are Dalek flag markers. What can I say? My sister bought me a set of Doctor Who post-its and I use them liberally.

Anyway, I thought I’d give all of you a peek into what I’ve been up to. The writing is still happening and going well. It’s just happening a bit slower than the breakneck speed it was at before.

December 31, 2013

Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions Without Paying for the Gym

It’s the time of year when your scale and your bank account are telling you filthy lies. At least you hope they’re lying. Surely you didn’t eat that many gingerbread cookies? But you found such good Black Friday sales! It’s enough to make a person depressed.

Fear not, for I have some low or no cost ways to sweat off those holiday pounds. I am a notorious cheapskate, so I’ve spent a lot of time trying to find interesting ways to exercise that don’t involve a yearly contract or plopping down $40 a month.

I applaud those people who walk, run, and bike, but all of those activities are so boring to me that I won’t ever exercise if they’re my only options. I prefer exercise classes, yoga, pilates, zumba, etc. For a long time I thought the only way to participate in those activities was to join a gym, but I’ve found out in the past year that isn’t the case. Here are some places you might not have thought to look.

The Library

I'm not sure what any of these programs have to do with literacy, but I'm glad for the exercise offerings.

I’m not sure what any of these programs have to do with literacy, but I’m glad my library is offering exercise classes for free.

No, I’m not talking about checking out books on exercise, although there are certainly some good how-to books and magazines at the library that could help you build an exercise routine at home. Realistically, most people aren’t motivated enough to do that. However, your public library just might be offering free exercise classes. I was shocked to find out that my local library offered both free zumba and yoga once a week in its multipurpose room.

Two of nearly a hundred workout videos available at my library.

Besides live classes, the library is a great source for exercise videos. A quick search of the Durham library catalog revealed they had nearly a hundred different workout DVDS. Pilates, yoga, tai chi—you name it—they’ve got it.

Community Centers and Parks and Rec Departments

You know how Leslie Knope is always trying to get the people of Pawnee to stop eating Sweetems candy and drinking gallon sized sodas and get healthy? Amy Poehler and the cast of Parks and Rec make those situations into hilarious comedy, but the plot is based on real life. Chances are your city’s parks and recreation department is trying to launch programs to make the population healthier. Like all government programs, though, they’re probably terrible about advertising them.

Part of a perfectly lovely flyer advertising the City of Durham’s gyms & pools I have never, ever seen displayed anywhere. For the whole flyer, click the link below.

Durham Parks & Rec Fitness Flyer

Visit your city or county government’s webpage and root around a little bit. You might find more free exercise classes being held in community centers, parks, churches, or other local gathering places. If you live in a city of a good size, you might even have gyms owned by the city. Durham has a network of gyms, pools, and parks all owned by the city. They offer dozens of exercise classes, team sports, after school programs for kids, etc. They put out a catalog a few times a year listing the various options. While there are fees for some of the classes, it’s cheaper for Durham residents, and there are no contracts like with gyms. You can drop in on a class whenever you like, and they cost a fraction of what you would pay at a studio. Usually they’re just a couple of dollars a class. A monthly pass to use all of the gym equipment and take all of the classes you want costs just $20.

The Internet

While the energy of a class full of people can be fun, there’s also something to be said for exercising in the privacy of your own home. Especially when you are just starting to get in shape, you can feel awkward and don’t always want an audience. I also like that it takes less time because you don’t have to drive there and back.

I like exercise videos, but after a while I get bored doing the same one over and over. Buying video after video can get expensive, too. I recently discovered a treasure trove of online exercise videos that you can stream. I especially like both of these options below because they focus more on health and less on appearance. Some so called “fitness” websites have a tendency to make me just feel worse about myself.

Gaiam, the exercise equipment maker, also has produced hundreds of workout programs. They have their own exercise channel. I own a balance ball set from them, and enjoyed the video that came with it, so I looked to see if they had any more stuff. I found you can subscribe to their exercise channel online for $10 a month. That’s pretty good, but I’m cheaper than even that, so with a little digging, I discovered that the Gaiam library is available on Hulu. Regular Hulu users can access their Wake-up Workouts and a number of good clips. Hulu Plus subscribers can access the whole Gaiam library. A subscription to Hulu Plus is cheaper than Gaiam at $7.99 a month, so that seems like a no brainer to me. I just use the free videos.

When looking for a good upper body workout, I also came upon Fitnessblender.com. It’s a marvelous website put together by a husband and wife team that offers full length workout videos for free. They believe that good quality health and exercise instruction should be available to anyone, regardless of income. The videos are great. It’s like having a personal trainer talking to you the whole time, and there’s no obnoxious music. You can search for workouts based on type (yoga, cardio, balance, etc.), area (upper body, lower body, etc.), difficulty level, length in minutes, or calories burned. They also have a video section about food and nutrition.

If You Like Zumba or Yoga Specifically

A lot of zumba instructors offer classes places other than gyms for reasonable rates. I often see zumba advertised for $5 a class. They can be held in anything from roller rinks to high school gyms. Keep your eyes out for flyers on community bulletin boards, but also look for ads on meetup.com and Craigslist.

Keep your eyes peeled for deals like this community class from Durham Yoga Company. Lots of studios have something similar.

A lot of yoga studios also offer a community class. This is generally a lower cost class held at least once a week as a service to the community. Often community classes are taught by new yoga instructors who have to accumulate a certain amount of classroom hours before they are fully certified. I go to a community yoga class at Durham Yoga Company’s beautiful downtown studio. The instruction is always top rate, and it only costs me $5 each time instead of the normal rate of $15. I feel so spoiled every time I go. A couple other studios in town also do a class or two by donation. Check websites for details. I like these pay as you go options because then I don’t have to pay for the weeks I’m sick or out of town.

December 23, 2013

The Best of 2013: My 10 Favorite New Foods

In December, we’re all bombarded with “best of” lists, usually about movies, TV, or interesting people. Anyone can offer you that, but where else can you find a best of food list?

Okay, so Bon Appetit did one. However, I think BA has officially lost touch. They’ve never been a casual cook’s food magazine, but the items that were awarded the 2013 seal of approval this year included items like Dalmatia fig spread, $26/pound sopressata, and not one but two Asian chile pastes (one Korean, the other Japanese). Sorry, but none of that made my list.

While I don’t doubt Haechandle’s gochujang hot pepper paste is good, I don’t know that it would ever make a list of my favorite foods of the year.

To make my list, the product didn’t have to be new to the world in 2013, just new to me. Also, it had to be available either at a national retailer or online. Sadly, that meant that awesome sour cherry jam I can only find at the local Polish grocery and the life-changing falafel mix from Tabia Market weren’t eligible. If you’re a Durham local, I’d be happy to extol their virtues to you, though, if you want details. Also, if I was pretty sure I’m the only person in the world that would get excited about the product, I left it off. Okay, so maybe my South African friend might be excited about my Sharwood’s mango chutney discovery, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t extend beyond the two of us.

Beverages

Joe Van Gogh’s Red River Blend. In the summer, I drink gallons of iced coffee. Even after it cools off, I find myself still making it because I like it so much. That has a lot to do with finding the perfect coffee beans. I have found Joe Van Gogh’s Red River Blend makes the best iced coffee I’ve tasted. For Durham locals, buy it at King’s Red & White at the corner of Roxboro and Club, because it’s only $8.99 a bag there. For everyone else, you can get it at your nearest Joe Van Gogh or at their online store.

Rishi Teas. Before I found Rishi, I mostly drank Harney & Sons. I think Rishi’s are even better. If you don’t like tea, or only a casual drinker, it’s not worth it to pursue Rishi’s teas, as they aren’t widely available. If you’re serious about your tea, though, you definitely need to try them. They make the best chai tea I’ve ever tasted and their cinnamon plum is also delicious. Whole Foods carries a few of their teas in small quantities, and if you’re in Durham, you can sample by the cup at Blend café in Golden Belt. I also know that Greyhouse Coffee & Supply in West Lafayette, Indiana, carries the line for those that don’t want to buy by the box or pound. Rishi makes a few of their teas in bags, but the great majority of them are sold loose leaf, including that great Masala chai. You can buy from Rishi direct, or from Amazon, which is what I do.

Coke Zero Vanilla. How much do I like this diet soda? Enough that I drive to the next county to buy it. Coke tried a Diet Coke Vanilla before and it wasn’t that great. Coke Zero Vanilla, however, nailed the formula. Sadly, no grocery store in Durham County stocks it, and we’ve looked. A few Harris Teeters in Wake County have it, though, and we’ve marked them in our GPS. I’m not the only one who’s this devoted to the beverage, either. Another friend makes the same trek to Wake County, and I have yet a another friend who had been stocking up when she visited her family in Virginia before I let her know she could get it in Wake County. Thankfully, it seems to be easier to find everywhere else in the country.

International Delight Salted Caramel Mocha Creamer. Do you love Starbucks Salted Caramel Mocha but don’t want to pay $4 each time you want one? This creamer doesn’t exactly turn your morning cup of coffee into a Starbucks mocha, but it does taste pretty amazing. Sadly, it’s a seasonal flavor, so stock up before it’s gone. Look for it at any grocery store with the International Delight creamers.

Bread

Alpine Valley Multigrain Bread with Omega 3. Yes, it sounds like it tastes like cardboard, but I swear it’s fantastic. I’ve had a tug of war with myself for years about bread. I read the labels and buy the one with more fiber and less sugar, and then wish I hadn’t when I eat it. For a couple of years I made all of my own bread, so I could eat bread that was good for me but also tasted decent. Eventually, I got lazy and went back to buying a series of multigrain breads I couldn’t really get excited about. This bread appeared at my Costco, and I decided to give it a try. It tastes very close to the bread I made at home. It’s a dense sunflower bread with wonderful flavor. It also freezes well. Alpine Valley is carried at Whole Foods in addition to Costco.

Panera’s Tomato Basil Bread. Most of the world probably already knew this bread tasted great because they’ve eaten a Bacon Turkey Bravo, one of Panera’s most popular sandwiches, which is made on the Tomato Basil bread. I don’t like gouda cheese, so I’ve avoided the BTB. However, our housemate started bringing home the bread this year, and I noticed it tasted a bit like tomato soup. Since I always make a grilled cheese to dip in my tomato soup, I immediately thought the bread would make excellent grilled cheese, and I was correct. Now I buy the loaves routinely with a block of my favorite sharp cheddar. It’s a match made in heaven.

Snack Foods

Late July Sublime Multigrain Tortilla Chips. I have been a fan of the Tostitos with a Hint of Lime Chips for a while. I love lime in my tortilla chips, but my biggest complaint with the Tostitos is they’re a whimpy chip. Try to dip them in a hefty guacamole, and you come back with half a chip and no guacamole. Then you have to discreetly fish your broken off chip out of the dip bowl. A few years back I switched to Food Should Taste Good Multigrain Tortilla Chips because they were healthier, tasted good, and were excellent scoopers. The good folks of Late July have brought both worlds together. They have created a good tasting, healthier, and gluten free tortilla chip with a delectable lime zing that also scoops guacamole likes it’s no big thing. Late July is carried by Costco, Whole Foods, Earthfare, and Lowes Foods.

Terra Sweets & Apples Hint of Cinnamon. These chips are more sweet than salty, but they’re addictive. The cinnamon and dried apples added to sweet potato chips was a stroke of genius. I’m not sure if they’re really good for me, but I’m going to continue to lie to myself and say they are. We buy them in the giant bag at Costco, but Terra’s carried about everywhere these days, even Walmart.

Meat

Columbus Sliced Herb Turkey Breast. This is not lunchmeat. I’ve eaten pounds and pounds of lunchmeat, and it tastes nothing like most of the sliced turkey I’ve bought from the deli over the years. I like turkey lunchmeat just fine, but this is something else altogether. It tastes like real turkey, the way turkey should taste at Thanksgiving if your host actually cooked it properly. It’s moist and seasoned with herbs perfectly, and as much as I plan on putting it between two slices of bread, half the time it goes straight from the package into my mouth. I found it prepackaged at Costco, but you can also find it at some delis and have it sliced in whatever quantity you want. If you don’t have a Costco nearby, try a Super Target. They carry some of the Columbus line.

Dessert

Ciao Bella Blackberry Cabernet Sorbet. Sorbet is generally pretty good, regardless of brand. It’s just fruit puree and sugar frozen. Most brands aren’t particularly creative in their flavors, either—raspberry, lemon, etc. Ciao Bella has a winner here, though. It’s smooth and sweet as you’d expect a good sorbet to be, but it also has a wonderful richness and depth to the flavor that was unexpected. Ciao Bella is at Harris Teeter, Kroger, and I think Super Target as well.

Talenti Gelato Bars. I’ve been a fan of Talenti’s gelato for awhile now, but they outdid themselves when they debuted their bars this year. My personal favorite is the Sea Salt Caramel dipped in Dark Chocolate. Harris Teeter carries that flavor as well as Double Dark Chocolate and the Coconut. Super Target also has a Mint Chocolate and a Banana Swirl dipped in chocolate. I haven’t found one I haven’t liked yet. They make a raspberry and a coffee, too. Coffee! Why does no one carry the coffee gelato bar dipped in chocolate? That seems like a no brainer to me.

Hmm, I just realized that was eleven things. Well, you got a freebie. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

What did you eat that you loved this year? I’m serious. I want to know. Same rules, though. If I can’t get it, don’t tell me about it. That’s just mean.

December 19, 2013

Nativity Murder Runs in the Family

So I had to share this. My sister’s cat Leo just maimed her Joseph figurine. That’s his arm now lying at his feet. I would like to note that her set is made of wood. Wood! What is with our cats?

December 16, 2013

Christmas Mayhem from the Cat

I love Christmas, and now that he no longer has to take finals, the husband has warmed to this time of year as well. However, our household still has one Scrooge-y hold-out. Our cat Carolina continues to cause so much destruction to our holiday decor I must conclude that she is a Grinch.

We have tried to include her in the festivities, even going so far as to make the cat her own little stocking to hang next to ours:

That seems to be the one decoration she has left alone in her Christmas rampage. Her violent tendencies started early. Her very first Christmas when she was still just a kitten, she decided the tree was a seven foot cat toy.

Admittedly, when she was four pounds, this was kind of cute. It is somewhat less charming now that she’s more like twelve pounds. She frequently dislodges branches from our fake tree both with her attacking from the front. . .

and just from the weight of sitting for periods of time from behind . . .

Branches are easy enough to fix. I just have to figure out where they popped out from and attach them again. However, over the years we have had to switch from normal glass ornaments to shatterproof. In her daily safaris into the tree, she has broken dozens of ornaments. When we come down in the morning, this a pretty typical fallen ornament count for a day.

The tree is annoying, but certainly not the most disturbing bit of holiday crime she has committed. That would be the murder of the holy family.

We used to have a ceramic nativity scene that sat on our mantle that looked like this:

It was a starter set that I planned to build on, eventually purchasing the shepherds, wise men, etc. Well, that dream died quickly. The very first night after we had put the set out, we woke up the next morning to find baby Jesus shattered into even tinier pieces.

I gave Carolina a very stern talking to, and did a little looking into whether or not I could get a replacement baby Jesus. Two nights later, Mary bit the dust. Again, she was smashed to smithereens. There was no gluing her back together. Only Joseph remained, standing alone and undoubtedly afraid. Our roommate at the time had a little fun and attached this post-it note prayer to him:

Miraculously, this seemed to actually work. Joseph remained unmolested until just a few days before Christmas. Just when we though he might be spared, Carolina decapitated him with surgical like precision.

Which is why our nativity now looks like this:

Yes, it’s Veggietales. No, we don’t have any children, but there’s not a lot of options in plastic, non-breakable nativity scenes. If I can draw your attention to the bottom left hand corner. . .

She has still managed to rough up shepherd Junior Asparagus and tip over the French peas dressed as sheep. Not even adorable plastic figurines are safe.

There is but one Christmas decoration that Carolina fears.

So what’s so terrifying about this one? It set fire to another cat before her very eyes! The way it works is you light the candles at the bottom, and the heat makes the propeller spin. One time while the candles were lit, our older cat Tucker wasn’t paying attention to where he was sitting, and he momentarily lit his tail on fire. There was screaming and smoking, and Tucker did some major scurrying on the coffeetable. It was all over in about ten seconds, but it must have left an impression with Carolina. We haven’t lit the candles on this since, but she won’t come near it.

Sadly, Tucker is no longer with us, but the scratches he left on the coffeetable are:

So that’s the saga of our cats and the holiday property damage they have given us as their gift. I hope that it made you laugh, as my gift to you.

Lara S. Chase

Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Author of The Gamayun Prophecies

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Awards Season for Us Common Folk

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What Do I Feed My Gluten Free Guest?

So Are You Still Writing or What?

Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions Without Paying for the Gym

The Best of 2013: My 10 Favorite New Foods

Nativity Murder Runs in the Family

Christmas Mayhem from the Cat

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